he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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