In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
