There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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