Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
