you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
