ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
