I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
