You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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