My ATM looks so different sober.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
