Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
