Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
