I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
