Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
