Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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