i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
