How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize