I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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