I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Bring me that man meat
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
