"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
