The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
