She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
