I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
