the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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