is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
