he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize