That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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