Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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