I wish my penis had an off switch
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
