i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
