he thought i was a dude.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
