So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
