You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My life is pants optional.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
