I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
