i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
