if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
