i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
