JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize