so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
