I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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