If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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