He disabled his match.com account in front of me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
