ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
