So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
