I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
