cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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