as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need a beard to bite.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
