If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He shit in the fireplace
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