The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
