somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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