I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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