i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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