they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
