Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
