On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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