I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
