hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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