she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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