My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
